


all but a child.

by Bunny7799



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alphonse is even younger than Edward and that really helps no one, Angst and Humor, Automail, BAMF Edward Elric, Body Horror, Character Death, Dark Humor, Edward Elric Is A Little Shit, My First Work in This Fandom, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, You Have Been Warned, but at the same time, but i cant blame them because Edward really deserves it gosh, granted it's uh, honestly, in which people realize how young Edward actually is, making a 12 year old a state alchemist, not BAMF Edward Elric, these little shits need a mom, though it's nothing you haven't seen before, what are these people thinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:03:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunny7799/pseuds/Bunny7799
Summary: Sometimes, it's hard to remember Edward's age. It's hard to remember what he's been through, him and his brother both.-It's usually the strongest ones who have seen the most.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Roy thinks that his short stature is a blessing. It's the only thing that reminds him that Edward really  _is_ a child and not the adult he likes to portray himself as.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I just started watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood this year (I finished the 2003 version last year). And this anime is way too good for me not to make a fanfiction.
> 
> And so this happened. Whoops.

There are many adjectives one can use to describe Edward Elric, and that's because Edward Elric can be a lot of things.

 

What most people think of when they hear the name "Edward Elric" is of his trademark talent and drive.

Roy included.

Not _nearly_ often enough do people realize how young the Fullmetal Alchemist really is. Sometimes, Roy thinks that his short stature is a blessing. It's the only thing that reminds him that Edward really  _is_ a child and not the adult he likes to portray himself as.

When he looks into his golden eyes, Roy wonders sometimes, if Edward is really on the cusp of ninety and he's just stuck in a child's body.

 

-

 

The first time Roy had met Edward Elric had been in a Resembool.

Edward had been a mere eleven year old, with deadened golden eyes and only half his limbs. Looking small in his wheelchair, he had been so quiet he might as well have been a corpse and not a boy.

He had looked into their home, at the carnage that had taken place inside of it, and he had been  ~~terrified~~ angry.

_What had they created?_

_What had they DONE?_

The anger had simmered down quickly though, replaced with pity for the boy in the wheelchair and the empty suit of armor who called the boy 'brother.'

"He's more than qualified to be a State Alchemist," Roy told them. Wishing something would return to the boy's hollow eyes (hollow, like the inside of the suit of armor his brother, Alphonse, would reside in for years to come) at his words.

"Should he become a State Alchemist, he'll be granted special privileges. Research of the highest level will become possible for him -- they may even find a way to restore their bodies with the information they'll gain access to."

Roy almost regrets ever suggesting such a thing now.

 

-

 

That night, Edward dreams of small, childlike hands, and a whirling purple light. He dreams of terrorized screams, reaching limbs, crumbling skin and short lived hollow breaths.

When he wakes up, he feels the opposite of rested. He feels tired and sick when he glances at his automail arm and leg and his brother's metal body.

_Isn't sleep supposed to make me feel better or something?_

_What is this bullshit?_

_I want a refund._

"Ah! Brother, you're awake!" Alphonse's voice says, echoing with something metallic.

~~Edward misses seeing his brother's flesh face.~~

In response, Edward flops back down and says simply, " _Crap._ I hate being tired."

"What are you talking about?" Alphonse asks as he stands up from his spot on the ground. "You  _just_ slept, you can't be tired already," he laughs and plucks Edward right out of the bed and onto his feet.

"We're going to Tucker's house again today," he reminds him. Edward sighs.

"Right. That damn dog Alexander better watch his back today," Edward mumbles with an irritated twitch of his brow. 

 

-

 

That day, he and Alphonse learn just why Nina's mother is never around.

When Edward hears Nina admit that she's a little lonely sometimes because of how her father seems to do nothing but work. Something in his heart breaks a little and he thinks,  _Researching can wait a little._

The three of them (and Alexander) play outside for a while and Nina looks so happy that Edward doesn't regret putting off researching. His cheeks hurt from smiling (it's been a long time since he's smiled this much). Really, Nina deserves more. She deserves so much more than an empty home and only Alexander for a friend.

He changes his automail arm into a clamping jaw and makes obscene crunching noises and little lion roars.

 

-

 

"Nina, do you want to play with dad tomorrow?"

"Really?" Her eyes sparkle with emotion.

"Yeah," her father answers, a smile on his face.

"Hooray!" Nina yells and she runs into her fathers arms. "Alexander! Dad says he's going to play with us!"

Her childlike voice is filled with joy. She hugs her father.

Edward finds himself smiling yet again.

 

-

 

The next day, the sky is grey and it smells like it's about to rain.

"It's too bad we probably won't be able to go outside today," Alphonse says as they approach Tucker's house.

"Meh. We can still do stuff inside. That house is  _huge."_

Alphonse laughs. 

But when they open the front door, the house is dark and none of the lights are on. The dim light streaming in from the open door casts a long shadow on the wooden floorboards.

Confused, Edward and Alphonse call out. 

 

They finally find Tucker in a dark room.

"I did it," he says. Something about the smile on his face disturbs Edward. "This is the finished product. A Chimera that understands human speech."

Edward faintly hears thunder and the rain beginning to pour down.

"Look there. Listen to me. That person there, is Edward," Tucker tells the Chimera, an expectant look on his face.

Curiously, Edward watches.

"...Ed...ward...?" The Chimera repeats.

"Yes! Well done!" Tucker smooths down its fur.

"That's amazing! It really does talk," Edward says, feeling impressed. He crouches down to get a better look of the Chimera.

"Yeah. Now I won't have to lose my state certification." Edward can hear the pure relief in Tucker's voice, and he's relieved too.

_Nina won't need to go back to her old life with her father._

"Ed...ward," the Chimera repeats. "Ed...ward... Ed...ward..."

It looks at him and tilts its head.

_"Big... brother...?"_

Edward freezes. 

Big brother?  _Big brother?_

_BIG BROTHER?_

The words echo in his mind with the image of Nina before everything goes blank and fuzzy. It's like his ears have been filled with cotton. His hands tighten imperceptibly. 

 

"Mr. Tucker... when did you get your state certification again?"

"Let's see," he says, his hand on his chin. "Two years ago," he answers.

"And when did your wife leave?" 

"Two years ago."

 

 "...Can I ask you one more question?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_"Where did Nina and Alexander go?"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward hates how little he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a pretty loaded summary.

_"WE'RE THE SAME, YOU AND ME!"_

 

Edward can feel himself faltering. His hands are trembling, even his automail one. 

He denies Tucker's words.

He denies them with all his strength and he cries.

Tucker is  _wrong._

But it's not enough to convince himself. Now that these thoughts have been planted in his mind, he'll never be able to get rid of them. He'll never be able to forget the way he so desperately wants to.

 

_"DAMMIT! DAMN YOU, TUCKER!"_

 

Can't Edward just be angry? Can't he feel just that (and only that, with nothing hiding under it) for once?

 _He and I aren't the same. We can't be._ Edward tries to assure himself.

_**We can't be... --** _

 

-

 

Edward hates how little he feels.

 

-

 

He sits on a stone staircase.

The rain is falling and falling and he can't see it ever stopping. It makes him feel like dirt. Edward can hardly discern from his tears and the rain.

"We're human," it slips from his mouth. Like he's just realizing that fact. 

Roy turns away from him, like he can't bear to look at Edward any longer.

_"WE'RE HUMAN!"_

Saying it out loud somehow makes everything seem so much more real, he hates the feeling it gives him.

He takes a gasping breath and his fists clench in his hair. His metal one creaks and disgust worms its way into his mind. Tucker's words replay in his mind over and over --

"We can't even save _one girl."_

He hates this.

Edward hates this all so much. 

Why couldn't Nina have just had a normal father? A father who really cared for her?  _What had Nina done wrong to deserve any of this?_

The truth though?

Nina hadn't done  _a single thing._

 

_-_

 

_I can't save a single person._

_What a joke._

_All I seem to do is ruin other people's lives._

_How am I ever going to save Al?_

 

-

 

Alphonse says nothing as he watches his brother. All he can think about is how he wishes he could cry too.

 

-

 

Familiar self loathing is what clouds his mind that night. 

He can't sleep. He can't think of anything except for how much he hates himself for everything he's done. He can't stop staring at his prosthetic arm and prosthetic leg, and at Alphonse's metal body.

Does he really deserve to sleep -- when Alphonse can't?

_Edward was the one who did this to him._

Edward is so afraid that his brother hates him for what he did to him -- surely, Alphonse hates him.

Alphonse can't eat, can't sleep, he can't even feel.

Sometimes Edward wonders if starving himself of food and sleep could make up for his transgressions.

 

-

 

When Riza opens her office door, she's greeted by the sight of the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother.

"What's the matter you two?" Riza asks them, surprised by their sudden appearance in front of her doorway. "What are you up so early for?"

Edward looks down, like he's trying to hide his guilt ridden eyes.

_Why does he look that way?_

"What's... What's going to happen to Tucker and Nina?" Edward asks him, sounding anxious. 

Riza feels taken aback. She answers his question nonetheless.

"Mr. Tucker was scheduled to be stripped of his state certification and go on a trial. But..."

She hesitates.

 _Do they really need to know? They're only children,_ some part of her whispers. But Riza has never been very good at lying and telling people sugar coated words.

"Both of them are dead," Riza tells them.

"Dead?" The younger Elric brother echos.

"I know you'll find out eventually, so I'm letting you know now," Riza says, even as her heart feels as though it's being squeezed. "They were killed."

Edward stares, distraught. "How?" He asks her. Riza wonders what kind of answer he expects -- their blood was splattered all over the ground, like some kind of gruesome painting. "By who?" Edward amends his question.

"We don't know yet. I was just heading to the scene myself."

Their footsteps follow her as she begins moving.

"We're coming too," Alphonse says firmly. Like it's a fact.

Riza can't let them go though. So she tells them they can't come with her.

"Why not?" Edward asks her.

Without looking back, she stops in the middle of the hall. "It's better if you don't see this."

Riza can tell her words aren't nearly enough to convince the brothers not to go.

"We don't care," Alphonse says, speaking for the both of them.

Riza feels conflicted.

_They're only children._

Edward adds to his brothers words. "We can make our own decisions, Hawkeye."

He's right of course, Riza knows. She can't stop them.

 

-

 

There's blood. 

 _Of course there's blood,_ Edward shouldn't be surprised.

The only thing that surprises him is the amount of blood there is. 


	3. Chapter 3

They sit in the pouring rain once more.

"'Alchemy is knowing the laws and the flow that exists within matter. It's decomposition and reconstruction. The world also follows laws and has a flow. Everything circulates. The death of people is a part of that flow. Accept the flow.'" Edward quotes, and he scoffs. "That's what Teacher would always say to us."

Alphonse listens to his brother over the pattering of rain.

"I thought I understood that, but I didn't understand." Edward's hair sticks to his face, it's like his skin has a second layer and it's made of dirt. "That's why we transmuted mom."

"And now I'm thinking again... isn't there something we can do, about something we can't do anything about?"

Edward thinks of Nina's smiling face, and Alexander. He thinks of breathless giggling and it makes him feel so  _so_ numb. As if the rain isn't already numbing his skin.

"I'm such an idiot," Edward says. "I haven't grown at all since then."

He means that both figuratively and literally. Edward hates being small.

Alphonse watches him, but Edward doesn't look up.

"I thought the rain might wash away some of this gloom from me. But right now, every drop hitting my face is depressing," Edward tells his little brother the truth. And he wishes it weren't the truth.

"Since I don't have a body," Alphonse begins, and Edward flinches but he hides it. "I can't even feel the rain hitting my skin. That's something I miss. It pains me." 

 _I did this to him,_ Edward tells himself. And that's all that he can think about until his brother speaks once more.

"I really want to get my body back soon, and be human again."

Edward wants to tell him that he  _is_ a human.  _Of course he's human._ There's no way he isn't.

"Even if it means going against the flow of the world, and it's something we can't do anything about."

Edward sobers.

 _Right. That's why we're here and not in Resembool. We're here because_ I  _screwed up._

 

An awfully out of place voice interrupts them.

"You are the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, correct?"

Edward looks up and what he sees makes his heart stop.

_Nina's killer._

 

-

 

Edward is so completely beaten, it's sad.

It's so sad that he wants to laugh.

_This fucking hurts._

His automail arm is gone, the arm Winry had created for him so long ago has been mashed into little bits.

She's going to kill him.

Not that you can kill someone who's already dead.

"Am I the only one you're after?" Edward asks the scarred man. "Are you planning to kill my brother, Al, too?"

"If he interferes, I will eliminate him."

Anxiety pierces his heart. He hopes Alphonse won't interfere, because Edward doesn't think he'd ever be able to recover from seeing his brother disappear again.

"However, Fullmetal Alchemist, you are the only one who is receiving judgement."

The rush of relief that hits him is so strong, he'd have fallen over if he weren't already lying on the ground. It's sick that Edward is relieved  _he's_ dying, not his brother.

"Oh yeah?" Edward turns around so he can look at the man who'll kill him. "Then promise me you won't harm my brother!"

The one arm that Edward has left, is shaking. He's so cold from the rain, he's not sure if he's shaking because he's cold or because he's terrified of dying -- even though he deserves it. He really does.

(Nina didn't.)

"I will keep that promise," his soon to be killer assures.

Edward takes his word for it, he's not sure why he trusts this guy to keep his promise. All Edward knows, is that he's not strong enough or good enough to beat him and this is the best option make at the moment. This is his  _only_ option.

Over the rain, he can hear Alphonse's voice. "What are you talking about, brother?"

Alphonse deserves better than him, Edward knows.

At least Edward knows he won't be dying a complete failure -- he'll be dying to save his brother.

"What are you doing?!" Alphonse, his younger brother, screams.

 _I'm sorry, Al,_ Edward wants to say,  _I won't be able to help you anymore after this._ Edward laments the fact he won't be there for the moment his brother is returned to his flesh body.

"Run... Get up and  _run!!"_

Edward can't do that. He won't kill his brother a second time.

The scarred man approaches him, and Edward stays still and waits for his untimely death.

"Stop. Stop. Stop!" His brother yells, and Edward wants to cry so badly, but he can't. "No! YOU CAN'T --"

Ironically, the gunshot that rings through the air is what saves Edward.

 

-

 

Stunned, he watches as the scarred man battles with Armstrong.

Only when it's over, and Nina's killer has escaped, does he snap out of his daze.

He yells for his younger brother.

_Please be okay. Please be okay._

He doesn't care that he feels on the verge of falling over because of his lack of an arm.

"Al, hey, are you alright? Al! Alphonse!"

His brother punches him so hard that he falls.

Alphonse scolds him for not running away, and he calls him stupid.

Because intentionally choosing to die something only someone truly stupid would do.

Edward wants to argue more, he really does, but his brother is right.

Alphonse's arm falls off with a clang. "Now my arm has fallen off, hasn't it?!" Alphonse yells, enraged. "Brother! You stupid jerk!"

Edward smiles, just the slightest bit. 

 

"We're falling apart, huh?" Edward looks to the ground. "Saying we look terrible doesn't even begin to cover it."

 _What a mess,_ Edward thinks.

"But we're still alive, aren't we?" Edward can almost hear the smile in his brother's voice.


End file.
